Pity Party

I'm having a rough evening. I'm hurting, and this makes me ornery. I'm having contractions- not consistent but certainly painful. My lower back is cramping and hurting and sending shots of pain up my back. I just feel wiped out and... done. I'm done. I just want the baby out and this pregnancy to be completed. It's been long enough. I'm out of steam.

I'll be thankful in the morning. For now, I'm going to sulk. :( Waa.

Thirty-Five Weeks

Thirty-five weeks... Sitting down for a delicious Thanksgiving meal. The meal was fantastic. The company was wonderful. The photo sucks. I hate how my smile looks when my face is fat. It's why I never fully smile in my belly shots. But I wasn't thinking. Dang. It is accurate, so I'll keep it. But That doesn't mean I have to like it. Bah humbug.

On a happier note, my baby is almost full-term! I'm excited. I wish she were out now! Whenever you're ready, kid... 

PS. I had a doctor's appointment on the 22nd, when I was exactly 35 weeks. It was supposed to be my 34-week checkup, but we had had to postpone it due to my/our being sick. It was a pretty routine, uneventful appointment. I asked about the dizziness I'd had, and they assured me it was likely just a result of having been sick. Apparently pregnancy slows recovery significantly. My blood pressure was good, 114/63. My weight was 171.6, down a pound from before- also thanks to being sick. I was measuring at about 36 weeks, so slightly large still, but nothing unexpected. And her heart rate was good and strong, in the 140s-150s. So all is good. Glad to hear it. As I left, I made my final two appointments (he said I could skip my 36-week since the 35th and 37th were kind of overlapping). Two!! I can't believe we're so close! This baby's gonna be here before we know it! So exciting.

Cozy But Crampy

Today was a relaxing, easy day at home. There are perks to being quarantined, turns out; you're forced to take it easy and spend time with one another! It's been wonderful (those parts). My favorite part of the day was this morning when we were all gathered together around the coffee table. James and Derek were taking turns playing Minecraft (James had days; Derek had nights), and Jolie and I were making jewelry (Christmas presents... She strung some, then handed me a bead etc so I could use it). So fun. So cozy. So pleasant for all involved.

I slept in this morning, took a nap that I'm pretty sure was four hours long (!!) and had a relaxing bath. Sooo nice. Then tonight, Derek and I watched Romantics Anonymous (seriously enjoyable flick, in French with subtitles) whilst sipping Cherry Vanilla Sprites (mmm) and eating chocolate (of course). Perfection!

But after the movie, I started feeling less than awesome. I was fooling around on an app (Duolingo) reviewing my French. That was fun. But my body was less happy. Is, I should say. It's happening still.

First, I'm having fairly strong / uncomfortable contractions. Not too unusual, but certainly unignorable. Also, I'm feeling crampy. Like period crampy, dull/achy not sharp. It's down low and a bit in my back. And I'm feeling queasy. I'm sure they're all related but unsure as to whether they merit any concern. 

My anxiety levels have been peaked lately and I've had way too many daymares. I seriously can be sitting down for 1.67 seconds and think of a worst case scenario that could happen and what could be done as a follow up. Anyway, because of this anxiety, the situation (rather, combined situations) worries me.

But it's not my first pregnancy, and I know better. I know this is nothing. I am not counting contractions because that's ridiculous. I'm not in labor. I know I'm not. I really do know this. But red flags are flying nonetheless. 

It all may be due to my being sick. I've taken far too long to bounce back; it was Tuesday for crying out loud! But I'm still feeling the effects of it all. I hope I haven't screwed myself for these last few weeks. I'd rather not be in recovery mode the whole time, thank you very much. But I suppose we'll see. Maybe this is just what the last month of pregnancy is like! I've never tried to keep going full throttle before; perhaps I've just never noticed.

So there's that. Il y a ça. Baby is moving around still, so I'm not too worried about her. So I need to chill out and stop worrying about me. Everything is fine. It is. It is.

Thirty-Four Weeks

This picture was taken Thursday. I was 34 weeks and 6 days. I turned 35 weeks on Friday, so I barely squeezed it in. :) It was a rough week, though, so I figure I'm forgiven.

Oye. Where to begin? Friday I was struggling with depression. It was a great day; we even put up the tree and other Christmas decor. So fun! But I was still kind of fighting it in the back of my mind. Grr. Hate that. Then that night, Derek introduced me to a fun yet super mellow and relaxing video game (A World of Keflings), and I vegged. The glow of the Christmas lights... a relaxing game... far too many Andes mints... It was lovely. I felt happy and good. Unfortunately, I felt irresponsible as well. I didn't stop playing until about 3:30am and didn't sleep until about 4-4:30. Not smart. I know. It was just hard to let go of the happy feeling. And I tend to get obsessive.

I woke up around 7:30 the next morning. Nowhere near late enough, but I had a work training/conference to go to. So I got up and ready and took my half-delusional self to the conference. I was there for 4+ hours. Then I came home.

Sunday was a play-hooky kind if day. I was desperate for a down day. So I took one. And while I genuinely love church and hate that we missed it, it was a fantastic break. We later went over to Orrin and Christa's house for dinner (Yep, didn't even have to cook! Perfect day!) and had a fantastic time.  

Unfortunately, my down day couldn't reverse time or boost my immune system adequately to recover. Because I'm pretty sure that in my sleep-deprived delerium, I caught a nasty bug.

On Monday night, James was up a ton with nightmares. I let him sleep in my bed for a while, but ultimately he was just up far too often. I realized later that he was likely not feeling well, which was not letting him sleep well and was causing this general state of unrest. 

On Tuesday, he woke up saying his tummy hurt. "Hurt really bad, way more than usual." (Which broke my heart. His tummy usually hurts?! Really?) I thought it might be residual anxiety from the night before or just a scheme to stay home. But I figured that maybe he needed a down day too. And/or if there was something at school causing his tummy to "really hurt" then he should stay home for a day and enjoy the peace and comfort of home (I worry about his anxiety, mostly because he's far too much like me). Anyway, I listened to my intuition. And I'm glad I did. Because an hour or so later, he majorly puked all over the floor.

He was crazy sick. Like lie there and moan crazy sick. Huddle up in pain crazy sick. Lie on the bed saying nothing, looking at nothing, requiring nothing crazy sick. It is miserable to see your baby hurting.  Turns out, it is even worse to be similarly hurting right along with him.

I starting feeling ill around lunch time. By the time Derek got home, I was miserable. Once evening came I was balled up in pain and desperately hurting. Stomach cramps and pregnancy do not mix well. It was seriously awful. 

For the record: I never throw up. Like ever. I had food poisoning when we were first married, and I'm sure I puked on occasion as a kid. But besides that, I had a great streak going. Well, I broke that streak on Tuesday night. And I did so with a vengeance. 

By 3:30am-ish, I could keep water down. (Being desperately thirsty was a side effect of all the nastiness, so this was a huge deal. I will never take water for granted again.) And on Wednesday, I could eat food, though nothing more serious than ramen.

Tuesday night, I decided to go to work. But about an hour in, I got really, really dizzy. I was genuinely worried that I would fall over. And I was terrified to drive home. I felt a little better by 9:30 and was able to drive home, just super carefully (the gusty, NM-ish winds didn't do me any favors; they kept the car rockin and me unsure of my stability). I could have cried from relief when I was safely home in bed. It's possible I did. I wouldn't be surprised. I do that a lot lately.

So yeah. That's what we've been up to lately. Our story as of late. Drawn out and miserable, but that's honestly how it felt, so it's an accurate portrayal. We'd hoped to get back to normal life by the end of the week, but Derek started barfing Thursday night. Oy vey! It was like the freakin plague around here! So we've quarantined ourselves for the rest of the weekend. No one else should have these germs! And apparently we're all (still!) recovering. Waa.

Thirty-Three Weeks x Three

Third-Trimester Ultrasound

We got to see her beautiful face alright!  Look at that clarity!!  I can hardly believe they were able to capture her precious face so well!  Hooray for 3D ultrasounds!  The results of the growth-checking ultrasound: My uterus may be measuring big, but she isn't. She is spot on for the due date. Like in the 40th percentile, so a teensy bit small even (could it be?). She is perfect.  All the right parts and no extras from what they can see.  Spine, heart, brain, kidneys, it all looks great.  She's still a "she" which is always good to know. And she's proportional and measuring right on target.  More specifically, she's measuring around 4lbs 7oz, they think. And such big cheekies already?!! I love it!! Oh baby, I love you so much already.

Thirty-Two Weeks & Voting Day

Nov. 6, 3013

32 weeks (and 1/2, really)

119/63 blood pressure

172.2 lb

155 heartbeat

Measuring 35+ (almost 36!)

I get to see my baby girl tomorrow!! I'm 32 weeks and measuring 35. :| That's actually pretty typical for me, so I'm not too worried. But it's an excuse to schedule an ultrasound to see how big this bitty actually is! So pumped! Hopefully this time, she'll let us see her face! :)

PS.  Local elections today... Vote Jess Bradfield for City Council!! (He didn't win after all.  Bummer. But it was a suuuper close race.  And he's significantly more known now.  Next time, Jess, next time.)

Loss in the Form of a Tooth

Something big happened at our house Saturday night (November 2nd)! He's smiling now, but he was TERRIFIED!! I didn't think it would happen this soon, so we had not even discussed it or prepared him at all. He was screaming and bawling and scared. I felt awful. After a bunch of snuggling, shooshing, and talking, he's ok. But CRAP! I hadn't realized losing a tooth could be so terrifying!! 

The tooth was never even loose that we were aware of!! James had said his teeth hurt when we were eating lunch earlier in the day, but I thought nothing of it- assuming they were just sensitive to the cold water or having a rough time chewing the bread.  I wish I had asked for more details!  We had no idea! I'm not sure how James was so unaware. Kids in his class and his peers, etc, have lost teeth!  I think he knew it happened but only vaguely.  No details about the fact that it just falls out, or that there is blood involved (blood scares my kids to death). I seriously felt like a major failure of a mom. Luckily, we were able to talk things out and explain things and attempt to put a positive spin on it all.  The poor kid finally relaxed his stiff-as-a-board body, and his sobs finally let up.  The night ended alright.  But you'd better believe we'll be having the maturation talk sooner than later!

As part of this positive-spin business, I told him excitedly that it was time I made him a tooth pillow!  When I was a kid and lost my first tooth, my mom got out her sewing machine and made me my very own tooth pillow. It wasn't as literal as James' ended up being; mine's a pretty burgundy/pink floral print, circular, with lace around it and (of course) a pocket for my tooth. But I loved it. This tender action on my mom's part always made me feel so loved and special, and my tooth pillow is still among my treasured possessions. The kids have seen it (from out of my hope chest) and heard of it before.  So tonight, when James lost his first little tooth, I knew I had to make him his very own tooth pillow, to keep the tradition of love. I whipped together a cute little tooth (literally) pillow with a smiley face and (hopefully) happy eyes.  There's also a pocket (critical for keeping teeth safe for the Tooth Fairy) in the back (in its bum, according to James... nice). It's nowhere near perfect, but I hope it makes him feel special. I hope he knows just how much his mommy loves him.

He was so happy with it. He couldn't wait to sleep with "Toothie."

The next morning, James woke up super excited!  He came into my room exclaiming, "She came! She came!"  The Tooth Fairy had come after all.  She left him his very own dollar bill!  (She used to leave us 25 cents... she must have accounted for inflation, lol.)  We snuggled in bed for a bit, and then we ran to the window and flew open the blinds... It had snowed!!  The Tooth Fairy must be friends with the winter fairies we decided! :) 

It was a wonderful morning.  The kids were both so excited about James' visit from the Tooth Fairy. (Jolie woke up later and was so anxious to see if the Tooth Fairy had come that she didn't even want to hear about the snow... she just wanted to see that tooth pillow!)  And the snow was so fun and lovely.  We dug out their snow clothes (what we had that fit), and they went outside to play in (and eat, of course) the snow!  They had so much fun!  Afterward, we came inside to some hot cocoa and delicious pancakes- courtesy of a fantastic daddy!  Our neighbors Shaughnessy and (kids) Ryon and Jordyn joined us for breakfast.  It was cozy and great.  The trauma of the night before was a distant memory.  Sweet boy.  I can't believe he's old enough for this. My baby is growing up.

A Perfect Fall Day

Saturday, November 2nd, was seriously the most PERFECT fall day!  The kids woke up and just played in their room while Derek and I slept/snuggled in bed for a while.  Perfect.  Then we ate some delicious cinnamon rolls and orange rolls... and by some, I mean a whole lot.  Yummy.  Then we all got ready and headed out to Home Depot for a kids' craft event.  The kids built their very own ships, and they had so much fun doing it!  We also picked up a few items for the baby's room (screws for the cabinet pulls, a wooden rod for the inside of the wardrobe, etc). After that, we went up to Julie's house to help Daddy take care of Grandma's yard.  We had a picnic lunch first, and then we dove in-- literally, to the heaping piles of leaves!  It was so fun to spend some quality family time together- working and playing simultaneously.  The job took us a lot longer as a team than it likely would have had Derek tackled it himself, but I think he felt much less picked on to have company and help- however helpful we were.  And it really was fun for all of us.  Derek even had James help him with some "man stuff," which made James feel super proud.  My gosh, I love my family!  And I love perfectly crisp, sunny, crunchy, lovely fall!

Halloween 2013

Halloween this year was lots of fun.  It fell on a school day (Thursday) which was less than ideal, but it worked out alright in the end.  James went to school like normal; Jolie had Mommy School (at our house, which was fun); and I was able to get a substitute for my class that night so that I could stay home and be Mommy instead.  It worked out really well.  

Earlier that morning, James and Jolie were so excited that it was finally Halloween.  James could hardly get himself dressed.  Jolie was just convinced that it was time to trick-or-treat (and was thus convinced all day long, lol).  I was super tired (sort of loopy, really) from staying up half the night making a treat for Derek to take to work (I had forgotten about it until about 2:30am, when I woke up to pee... so I got crackin' and made some... getting to sleep finally around 4:30am).  While it baked, I spent some time making James' lunch for the next day.  That morning, I finished it up.  He's not much for surprises regarding his lunches and wanted to see what I'd prepared.  And his reaction made it worth the work.  He was thrilled!

School Lunch No. 666 ... HAPPY HALLOWEEEEN!! Meat & cheese sandwich transformed into a pumpkin, bat, and several moons. Mandarin oranges turned jack-o-lantern. Key lime Greek yogurt transformed into scary goo with eyeballs and sprinkles. And roasted pumpkin seeds. With a side of apple juice... in a mummy costume, of course!

While they were eating breakfast and getting ready for school, the kids asked (begged) to take Kitty and Baby Waa trick-or-treating with them.  I explained that they (Kitty and Baby) would not be able to get their own candy, but that they could come along for the ride.  The kids were ecstatic!  I usually don't let them tote their lovies around town (they're ragged enough as is), but I figured that James is six.  He, at least, won't be begging to take his lovie out in public for much longer.  So I allowed it.  And what's more, I made them little costumes!  Princess Waa and Bat-Kitty!  I must admit, it was pretty cute.

When it was about 5:30pm (not too dark, we thought, and not too cold), we headed out into the neighborhood for some ever-anticipated trick-or-treating.  It was so much fun, but soooo cold!  We were only able to hit up a few houses before we had to head back home and snag warmer clothing (namely, a cardigan for Jolie).  It was still crazy-cold, but we had fun anyway.  Derek had warmed up the heat packs and brought them with us so the kids could hold them and stay warm(er), and he even picked up pretty little Miss Shortcake and carried her inside his coat.  She's a lucky girl to have such a nice daddy.

We went around our neighborhood, probably stopping at about twenty houses (way more than last year).  We even got to stop at James' teacher's house (she's our neighbor... crazy, right?!).  Then we came home.  But not for long.  We didn't feel like being responsible parents.  Instead, we hopped in the car, snagged some Micky D's for dinner, and drove out to Smithfield to visit friends.  We stopped by Adam and Aubrey's to see them first, but they were out visiting family.  I'd forgotten they do that on Halloween.  So we continued on to the cousin's house (Shawn and Mindy's) and played with them!  We used to do that when we were kidless, or when James was a baby.  It'd been a while, and it was lots of fun to ambush them!  

Finally, around 9pm, we headed home. The kids were super wiped out.  We washed our faces (to get the paint and makeup off), brushed our teeth, got in jammies and got in bed.  They were out in a matter of minutes. :)  And honestly, so were we!  Such a fantastic, fun-filled Halloween!

Note: Derek didn't dress up this year, but the rest of us did.  James was a skeleton. Jolie was Strawberry Shortcake. And I was nothing really... but my belly was mummified- with the baby "peeking out!"  Lol.  It was loads of fun.  Happy Halloweeeeeen!

H is for Halloween

Mommy School was at our house Halloween day, and we were coincidentally covering letter H.  Perfect!!  H is for Halloween!  We played some games and did some crafts and tried to learn anything at all besides the fact that sprinkles are delicious.  I'm not sure it was the most productive day for learning, but it was sure a whole lot of fun!  I seriously love these kids.  They're super well behaved and such a great group.  I'm loving teaching them this year.  And Halloween was no exception.  Just look at those cuties! :)

Note: The children in our little "school" are pictured in the group picture.  There are but four of them.  They are (L to R): Daxton "Dax" Allred, Ryon Bingham, Jolie, and Elayna Dietrich.  They really are the sweetest group of kids!

Halloween-ing it up at the clubhouse

Our neighborhood managers throw a Halloween party every year for the little kidlets that live here.  This year, it was less populated than most, but the kids still had a super great time!  I wasn't planning to go, but Shaughnessy and Rose and even our new neighbor, Serena, convinced me.  So when it was time to go pick James up from school, we threw Jolie's costume on, grabbed James', and ske-daddled to his school.  When I got there, he was actually in the office, having had fallen after school and gotten a big conk on the head.  Poor boy.  Luckily, it was just a goose-egg (no stitches this time- though it was in the same blasted spot!) and he perked up with the idea of a Halloween party.  So we pulled his costume on over his clothes (right there in the pick-up line), and hurried over to the clubhouse.  When we got there, our friends were mostly all there still- which was fun.  We did the cake-walk first (which was awesome since the kids are basically guaranteed a fun Halloween cupcake, but was freeeeeezing cold) then went inside for crafts, games and fun.  Derek even met us there after he got off work.  Love that Daddy. Then we came home, snapped a few pictures of the cute neighborhood friends, and came inside.  It was a quick but fun little adventure.  Hooray for Halloween!!

Note: The children in the group photo are (L to R): Ryon Bingham, James, Jolie, and Anneliese Bradfield (aka: Hulk, Green Skeleton, Strawberry Shortcake, and Wonder Woman) Hehe.  So cute.

Burrowing

So sometimes I feel this burning, intense pain down kinda where my ovaries at least were, off to the side a bit and way down low (underbelly area). I figured my little one was burrowing, and owie- it hurt. 

Well it happened again just now, so I laid down. I was rubbing the area, trying to help it stop. And I felt this rock hard mass. I wondered if I had some sort of growth, or some super solid poop (ew, sorry). There's no way it was her; it was too far down there. So I started pressing on it, hard. And my baby started squirming, and the mass moved! It was her head!! 

My babies have never wedged down there that far! They float free until labor! I was kind of in awe, really. Her pretty little head! Suddenly I could place her, could tell how she was arranged and where her feeties and such were. It was kind of magical.

But then I felt really guilty. What if I had hurt her?! I hadn't wanted to hurt her! I could cry. I mean, it wasn't THAT hard, but it was obviously hard enough to make her move! :( 

I texted Dena and Tori, and they helped set my heart at ease. Apparently Tori's doc grabs Cameron's head hard all the time to see where he is exactly, how far down. But still- sorry, baby.

Anyway, I need to shower and get ready for the day, but I wanted to post about it real quick. We've had a lazy Saturday thus far... sleeping in, eating cinnamon rolls, mmm. But I think we're going to take the kids to Home Depot to do a fun craft and then to Grandma Julie's to rake up and play in leaves. :) I think it will be a good day. So... Better jet!

Chao!

And seriously, sweet baby. I'm sorry if I hurt you at all. 

Confession

I'm enjoying being pregnant. I'm at the miserable part where I hurt. A lot. And whine. A lot. But as I lay here and feel my little one squirm and wiggle inside of me, I realize that I will miss this. 

I think this is likely my last pregnancy. And while to be honest, a part of me rejoices (oh, to have my body back), part of me mourns. My body will no longer be useful the way pregnancy and early motherhood makes it useful. I will miss that. And I will miss the excitement and sense of accomplishment (is that the word I want?) that pregnancy brings. I will miss the unique and private bond with my baby that pregnancy offers. For the first time in my life, I feel like I relate to the pregnant women too-often portrayed as happily guarding a private secret. As not-so-private a person as I am, I've felt that way some this pregnancy. We have secrets, this little gal and I. Sometimes she whomps me and I smile, knowing that whomp was between us and no one else. And it's fun to keep these secrets ours.

I'm sorry that I've resented so much of pregnancy in the past. Shoot, that I resent so much of it now. I'm just impatient... I want to feel good and normal and like myself NOW! And I want my baby out NOW! Waiting is torture.

But it's a torture I'm grateful to have to bear. To have had to bear thrice! My babies know me when they're born; we've gotten to know each other a bit over the course of a few months, and I kind of know them too. I wouldn't trade these perks for anything.

I love you, wee one. And I certainly love the little buggers that I get to smooch on already! Being a mommy can be quite wonderful. I hope my babies know how much I enjoy it.