Soul Searching

This statement is just part of a news article that was released yesterday regarding the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the church I am a member of, the one I believe to be true.

"A natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabiting, may not receive a name and a blessing," the policy reads.

Natural or adopted children living in a same-sex household will only be allowed to be baptized once they are 18, disavow the practice of same-sex cohabitation or marriage, and stop living within the household, according to the policy. Such baptism would still require the approval of the church's governing First Presidency.

http://kutv.com/news/local/lds-church-to-exclude-children-of-same-sex-couples-from-membership


This news kind of broke my heart.  I thought there was no way it was true; it just didn't seem like the Church I knew.  I chalked it up to rumor and tried to quiet my mind and go to sleep. But I called my Bishop this morning, and he said that it is indeed true.  I started bawling and asked him to offer up some perspective. I told him (and I'm telling you) that I DO believe this Gospel to be true, and I believe the Prophet speaks from God.  But this is difficult for me to wrap my head around. Generally inflammatory things that come out about the church trigger fear and doubt but when I get to the source- the official Church stance and then ultimately speak to God about it in prayer, I feel peace.  So I'm working on doing that now.

Here are some thoughts that have been offered that help or have come to mind that bring peace...

This article helped and was pretty consistent with what my Bishop had to say.
http://wellbehavedmormonwoman.blogspot.com/2015/11/response-to-new-church-policy-gay-marriage-children-baptism.html?m=1

My comment to a friend regarding this was:
I spoke with my bishop this morning. I cried. This is hard for me to stomach. It feels like children are being punished for something I'm not even sure people should be punished for. But my Bishop explained that there is no punishment involved. They are just simply trying to avoid stress and conflict in the family. Why it is directed specifically towards this topic, I don't know. The above article help clarify in that same vein. I am still not totally pacified, but it does help to understand from that perspective. I do believe the Gospel to be true. And I need to lean on that belief. The ultimate question is whether you believe the prophet to be the mouthpiece of God. I will be spending some time on my knees. Faith is about trust. It is difficult for me to trust what I don't understand, but that's faith, right? Sometimes you just have to obey God and know that He knows what He is doing. Hopefully this helps someone as well. Love to all of you. Regardless of sexual orientation.

Someone else commented:
In the end it is about stabilizing and benefiting the family by not bringing in additional stress and conflict. In a same-sex household, who would, more than likely, want the child blessed and baptized, the parents or the grandparents? Most likely it would be the grandparents, for most situations. So, eliminate that conflict in the family and extended family altogether and allow the child to make their own decision, when they come of age.

And I replied later:
I understand that this hurts many people who have loved ones in the LGBTQ community. It hurts me too, and I am not personally involved in this kind of situation. But I think Brandon is right in regards to protecting the family. I think if the gay couple decided they wanted to be married and go against what the church stands for, it is not likely that they would want their child to go toward this religion they were in open disagreement with. I think this will protect children from being forced into something from their grandparents' perspective and they are really unsure as to what they believe yet.

And like I said in my other comment, it does feel like this particular sin or what have you is being singled out. It absolutely is. But this topic is one that is not decidedly frowned upon in society, where as the others are very obviously wrong in the eyes of basically everyone.

A friend of mine responded:
The world isn't quite as black and white as that. What about a child with divorced parents? What if one of the parent is gay? Should the child never be allowed to live with the gay parent? What about joint custody?

And my response:
I said the same thing to my bishop. And he said that that is exactly why they are called guidelines. Each situation will have to be looked at individually, and exceptions can certainly be made. You just have to get the permission of the first presidency and all of that. But that happens more often than we realize, I think.


These are my thoughts on the matter as of now. All jumbled, as they are in my mind.  I am trying hard to "doubt my doubts before I doubt my belief" as President Uchdorf has counseled. I know there is much that I do not understand -- both surrounding this issue as well as in other areas.  But I need to focus on what I DO know to be true and trust in God. And when you have questions, ask Him.  He'll answer.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." -- James 1:5

Interview on Parenting

My cousin Jocelyn needed to interview someone for a project she's doing in one of her university classes, and she asked if she could interview me.  The interview was regarding parenting. I filled out the interview questionnaire late last night and was honest (possibly too honest) and just wrote what came to mind. Here is a copy, for journaling purposes.

*******************************************************************

How old were each of you when you had each of your children?

            Child 1: Derek 25, Becca 23

            Child 2: D 28, B 26

            Child 3: D 32, B 30

How many years together: We’ve been together for 12 years. Married 10.

Relationship to each other

How did becoming parents change the way you related to each other?

 I think we became more of a team, more partners than we were before.  It’s like

the biggest and most important group project of your life, and you quickly realize one another’s strengths and weaknesses and learn to work together to be the best you can be as a group. We have certainly grown closer because of it, but I swear we look at each other much less!  (Really, though. With three little rugrats running around, your eyes are constantly distracted trying to keep them wrangled. Sometimes on dates, I think, “So that’s what you look like!”)

What were things like with your relationship before and after having children?

 Having babies together kind of forces you to discuss never-before-discussed topics such as poop, barf, constipation, the works.  I never could have stomached even talking about such things pre-babies, and since then have found myself cleaning the stuff.  Ick.  But altogether manageable. Who knew?

Relationship to friends and family members

How did becoming parents change the way you as a couple and individually related to your friends and family members?

 Children are people too, turns out, and adding them into our family changed more than we’d expected in the social aspect.  We had to adjust our schedules and head home from parties much earlier for bedtime, etc, which we swore we wouldn’t do (the baby would adjust to OUR schedules… ha).  But we also soon realized that how people connected to our little ones could make or break our relationships. And it worked the other way around, too.  Some of our friends were poor parents (in our opinions) or would have kids that were mean/naughty, which would cause us to withdraw and would ultimately result in a distant relationship. Sounds harsh typing it out like this, but really- your kids become your priority. You have to protect them and guide them.  So you do, even at a cost.

Work

Were you both or just one spouse employed when your first child was born?

We had both been working when I was pregnant, but I had quit just a couple of months before the baby came so I could stay home and be mommy.  So just D.

 How did having a child change your work dynamic (Did you work more hours, less hours, leave job, etc.)?

I left my job to stay at home. Derek had been a full on university student and had to then split his time between full-time school and part-time work.

Education

Did having children affect your education? If yes, how so?

Not mine, as I’d graduated before we ever got pregnant.  But Derek’s, yes.  He was still in school, having just switched majors. And his schooling (due to two kids before graduation) was substantially more drawn out.  He could have zipped through it but would have been much less available to me and significantly less involved in the kids’ lives.  Babies are not cats.  You really need to spend quality time with them if they’re to thrive.

 If you were you finished with school, but planned to further your education, did having children affected your decision to return to school?

I’ve never really wanted my master’s degree.  But I certainly won’t consider it now until the kids are (at very least) all in full-day school.

Balance

 Do you believe that it is difficult or easy to balance work and family time?

Difficult for sure.  “You can be anything but not everything” is spot on. 

Life satisfaction

 Describe your satisfaction with the way life is right now?

I’m pretty satisfied, honestly.  It’s exhausting to be responsible for three little souls, but it’s so incredibly rewarding. Sometimes it sucks that Derek started climbing the career ladder so late (read: that we’re not yet making the big bucks), but really if I had to do it again, I would make the same choices. Derek and I have a really great relationship and are still very much in love.  And we’re typically besotted with our children.  So life is pretty good, overall.

Describe your satisfaction with the way things were when your first child was born?

We were over the moon! Poor college students and young, stressed, inexperienced parents, but happy.

Future

Before you became parents, how did you see or plan your future as a couple?

We thought we’d buy a house sooner (we still haven’t). We thought we’d travel more. Probably go on dates more and make out more. We initially thought we wanted 4-5 kids but decided after having one (who was really the perfect baby; it’s just that parenting is HARD) that maybe 2-3 was enough. Ha.  Life is not exactly as we’d imagined, but life rarely is.  I’m not sure kids are entirely the source of the difference.  We always knew we wanted children, though.  And having a family was our top plan/priority. So we’re on track in that regard.

As parents, how do you see or plan your future now as a couple?

  It’s not really just about us anymore.  We’re a family of five, a package deal. I’m not sure we plan enough for our future as a couple.  But we plan to stay happy. To communicate fully and freely.  To remain best friends, truly best friends.  Yeah, I don’t know.  That may need to be a discussion we have in the near future. 

Finances

Before you were parents, how did you spend extra money (thinking after paying all bills, loans, etc.)? 

We went on a ton of dates.  We ate out a ton, went to the movies, all that. If we wanted/needed something big, we’d live off one of our incomes and save the rest.  (We lived in Paris for a month this way, which seems crazy now.)

Obviously you have to spend more money to take care of your children. How has having children affected how you spend extra money when you have it or save your money?

We save more.  We act more like responsible adults.  We have savings accounts for the kids. We have a retirement fund.  Boring stuff that maybe would have come with age anyway, but the parent factor certainly sped that progression along. We still eat out, just much less. We don’t shop so much for clothes and stuff for ourselves like we did before.  (Ew.  We’ve become our parents!)

Was the financial aspect of having children what you expected, or not what you expected at all?

We were young and stupid and really didn’t think too much about the financial ramifications. Or I didn’t (Derek likely did). I figured: we’ll have babies and make it work. And we have. Feeding, clothing and educating (not just school supplies but things like swimming lessons, etc) definitely add up, though. I think the older our kids get the more expensive they get and the more financial stress we feel, really.

Lessons

What do you believe is the most important lesson(s) you have learned from having children?

Oh man. Where to begin? Hm.  I think if I had to choose just one, I would say that I have learned and continue to learn that: Love is a verb.  It’s one thing to say that you love someone but to truly love someone is an action, a lifelong commitment filled with sacrifice and work and dedication. It’s exhausting as hell but really the only thing worth living for.

 What do you wish you would have done differently, if anything at all? (Could be anything that has to do with being a parent, relationship with spouse, or just you)

 I don’t know that we would have done any of it differently. We certainly make mistakes and regret them fiercely.  But I’m not sure that a change in course would have made us more perfect parents or people. Perhaps we just haven’t gotten to the point in our lives (in our maturity?) where hindsight is 20/20.  We’re continually learning, continually changing course. But I think that’s what good parents do. I mean, kids do. And you’ve gotta keep up!