Cold Feet

Dear Future Child,
Please know that you are wanted and loved and are in no way an inconvenience to our family.  Just realize that your mommy has a hard time making difficult and irreversible decisions, one of which is whether to have another child.  It's nothing personal.
I love you.
Mommy


I had a bit of a meltdown last night.  I think more than anything it was because I was exhausted.  I had a ridiculously productive morning (which rocked, at the time) followed by no nap (my own fault) followed by a busy, scheduled evening (my gosh, I hate schedules).  Exhaustion was sure to follow.  Either way, I had a meltdown come bedtime.  I cried and cried to Derek and repeatedly asked him, "What the hell are we thinking?"  (I also swear much more when I'm tired.)  I couldn't fathom why in the world we wanted to add another person to our lives when we could hardly handle the lives we had.  It's not a light decision.  It's not like you can put the baby back!

Derek consoled me as he often does.  He explained that the day was busier and crazier than it normally is, and that everyone takes a while to adjust to a new routine.  If I had to do that everyday I would struggle for a week or two, and then I would accept it and handle it fine.  The same will be true of adding a new baby to our lives.  He also reminded me that babies do not come out running and wrecking.  You have time to adjust to each new stage (and childproof your house as you go).  We can do this.  He also told me that regardless of the work and exhaustion that a new baby brings, he really wants one.  This was fairly new to me, as I thought it was mostly me who was wanting a baby.  Derek's so sweet; he's a sucker for little babies.

In the end, he told me that he felt I should read my scriptures and pray.  He wasn't sure why, but he had had the thought multiple times throughout our conversation.  Perhaps it was inspiration.  I was somewhat taken aback, as Derek does not advise me in spiritual things... like... ever.  But I believe that he can and has the right to.  So I kissed him goodnight, came into the living room, and read.  Due to my exhaustion, the reading didn't last long, but I was able to receive some comfort nonetheless.  I realized that maybe having more kids is stupid in the world's perspective.  It's more work, more money, and more stress.  But in the larger scheme of things, it's a great choice.  It's another child to raise up in righteousness.  It's another friend.  It's more love.

I feel better today.  Less panicked.  I also feel well-rested; it's possible the two are related.

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