Cold Feet

Dear Future Child,
Please know that you are wanted and loved and are in no way an inconvenience to our family.  Just realize that your mommy has a hard time making difficult and irreversible decisions, one of which is whether to have another child.  It's nothing personal.
I love you.
Mommy


I had a bit of a meltdown last night.  I think more than anything it was because I was exhausted.  I had a ridiculously productive morning (which rocked, at the time) followed by no nap (my own fault) followed by a busy, scheduled evening (my gosh, I hate schedules).  Exhaustion was sure to follow.  Either way, I had a meltdown come bedtime.  I cried and cried to Derek and repeatedly asked him, "What the hell are we thinking?"  (I also swear much more when I'm tired.)  I couldn't fathom why in the world we wanted to add another person to our lives when we could hardly handle the lives we had.  It's not a light decision.  It's not like you can put the baby back!

Derek consoled me as he often does.  He explained that the day was busier and crazier than it normally is, and that everyone takes a while to adjust to a new routine.  If I had to do that everyday I would struggle for a week or two, and then I would accept it and handle it fine.  The same will be true of adding a new baby to our lives.  He also reminded me that babies do not come out running and wrecking.  You have time to adjust to each new stage (and childproof your house as you go).  We can do this.  He also told me that regardless of the work and exhaustion that a new baby brings, he really wants one.  This was fairly new to me, as I thought it was mostly me who was wanting a baby.  Derek's so sweet; he's a sucker for little babies.

In the end, he told me that he felt I should read my scriptures and pray.  He wasn't sure why, but he had had the thought multiple times throughout our conversation.  Perhaps it was inspiration.  I was somewhat taken aback, as Derek does not advise me in spiritual things... like... ever.  But I believe that he can and has the right to.  So I kissed him goodnight, came into the living room, and read.  Due to my exhaustion, the reading didn't last long, but I was able to receive some comfort nonetheless.  I realized that maybe having more kids is stupid in the world's perspective.  It's more work, more money, and more stress.  But in the larger scheme of things, it's a great choice.  It's another child to raise up in righteousness.  It's another friend.  It's more love.

I feel better today.  Less panicked.  I also feel well-rested; it's possible the two are related.

135

Note(s) To Self

First off, eating that much (many?) pickled okra in one sitting is not a particularly good idea.  My poor body felt the after math of that one.  Oof.

And secondly, sweatin' to the not-so-oldies is fantastic and fun and exhausting and exhilarating.  My previously mentioned friend Rose and I went to Zumba at the Rec Center.  In a previous life (okay, like six months ago) we would go with a group of girls to a dance place, but it had been a while.  And yowza, I could feel it.  It was super intense!  But it was also super fun!  It hurt soooo good.  I will definitely be making this a weekly tradition.  And if/when I get pregnant, I need to keep going every week and shakin' my thang.  Because then, hopefully, my thang won't get quite as ginormous as it often gets and I will feel happier and sexier and not so bleh.  Pregnancy sucks for a lot of reasons, but for me- many of those reasons would be negated if I just got off the couch and quit feeling sorry for myself.  Hopefully I remember this when I want to vomit and/or die (hence the note to self).

Hm.  Yep.  That's it.

Oh, and my secret is a teensy bit less secret now.  Dang bluntly inquisitive friends (well, friend).  And dang my poorly executed poker face.

Pickled Okra

It's possible this jar was unopened when I started... Aaaaannnd, I'm not even pregnant. Oye.

Patience

Had I waited just a few more hours, I would not have needed that pregnancy test...

The good news is that my body is working well and things are right on schedule. No sign of excruciating pain yet... Let's hope it stays that way.

That's all for now.

Punto.

Twenty-Nine

Is that:
A. The number of pregnancy tests I bought from the dollar store today?
B. The number of children I ultimately want to have?
C. The number of years I have lived on this Earth?
or D. All of the above?

As is often the case, the correct answer is C. Today is my birthday. :)

I took a pregnancy test today. Seemed easy enough. I mean, come on, you pee in a cup and then drop drop- you're done! Well, it must have been harder than I thought. Turns out I failed.

I wasn't actually thinking it'd be positive. Okay, a teensy bit of me thought it might be. But really, I was quite certain I wasn't pregnant. The reason I took the test regardless of this quite-certainty was simply that MY PERIOD IS LATE!

Fine. The all-caps yelling is uncalled for. But seriously, body! What the funk? I'm overdue. And I know I ovulated. What comes down must come... down... right? Meh. Whatev. I just really want my body to be functioning properly and it wigs me our that it might not be. Stupid IUD. It had better not mess with me like birth control pills did!

The good news is: I haven't experienced an excruciatingly painful period. Yay. Though I did have some wicked boob pain the other day that made me want to lop one off! I chalk it up to sympathy pains for my newly nursing mama friends. Let's have a moment of silence to honor their poor, wounded soldier titties.

...

...

Anyway, I bought the pregnancy test yesterday (well, several hours ago), but I waited to do my pee thang until it was officially the 13th. I figured that doing so would give this kid (if it were positive) a piece of the whole Lucky 13 pie. Sorry, kid. Better luck next time.

Besides that, no news to report. Not on the baby front, anyway. Except that I love the two I've got like I never thought possible. Mmm. Squeeze! Such fabulous kids.

Now... Who's gonna convince Derek to let me open the mysterious box in the garage...? ;)

136

Cancer-Free Since '83

I had my annual wellness check today.  My friend across the street, Rose, watched the kids.  I had to fill out all sorts of paperwork again, probably because it has been so long since my last appointment (I was certainly due for an exam).  I saw a PA this time, not my OBGYN, because I was able to get in months sooner seeing her.  I had not met her before, but she seemed nice.  And sometimes it's nice to see a woman.  They seem to get you more.  Anyway, the appointment was fine, fairly seamless.  And mostly painless.  She did the cervix scrape (yes, fun) first and then woop- out came the IUD.  No biggie. I hardly felt it.  (Go her!)  When she was feeling around for my uterus and ovaries, however, we encountered a potential problem.  She thought she possibly was feeling a cyst in the vicinity of my left ovary.  She said it was unlikely, but she wanted to schedule me for an ultrasound just to be safe.  (PS. She said it was possible that I was just so thin she could feel my ovary really well!   Seriously, ten points to Gryffindor!)  I asked if there was any way to squeeze me in today (immediately) so I would not have to arrange a sitter again, etc.  Luckily, they were able to!  I wasn't really nervous about the potential cyst.  Like, not even a little.  And I didn't have time to be, because in a matter of minutes I had a stick up my bajingo and had the whole thing cleared up.  Turns out what the doc thought was a cyst was actually just my ovary, nice and plump and swollen from having just ovulated.  Good little ovary.  Everything else looked good too.  So yay!  No problems and a clean bill of health to begin this crazy adventure.  It's nice to know all is well in the baby bunk department.

I'm nervous about the awful, painful period that will likely follow this IUD removal.  The one following my birth control pill cessation was one of the most painful experiences of my life.  No joke.  Hopefully this one will be more mild.  AND hopefully my ovulation is good and steady and Derek's swimmers are strong.  If all goes according to plan, I'll be pregnant by December.  And ideally, I won't be nauseous and sick until after Christmas (well, ideally I won't be nauseous and sick at all- but I'm not that optimistic).  With James I couldn't stomach the smells of holiday food cooking (turkey, gag).  I'd rather not go there again.  But, you know, whatev.  We'll take the cards we're drawn.  I'll be happy if I have a healthy, strong little baby.  I'll try to be tough (I'm kind of a weenie) and just push through the sucky parts of pregnancy.  I'm hoping this will be my favorite pregnancy yet.  I guess we'll see.

Over and out.

136

A Leap of Faith and an Exciting New Adventure

So.

(Deep breath.)

There are likely going to be some big changes around here.

And it's possible those big changes will occur around my mid-section.

Derek and I are going to have another baby.  Well, we hope so anyway, as we're going to start trying for one.

How did this come about? You ask.  Well, that's a very good question...  While we had originally planned to have at least three kids (back when we were young and naive), we have been thinking of stopping with just the two for several years now.  This having-more-kids thing is kind of a new thing... and certainly no easy decision.  You see, while we have been (and are) so happy with our two children and quite love having only two and one of each, we never could quite settle on the idea of being done.  We tried.  By golly, we tried.  I am just a little terrified of doing pregnancy all over again, a newborn all over again, and am baffled by the idea of adding a whole new person to our family!  But not doing so makes me feel a little sick inside, no matter how logical the decision seems.

I have talked to God (and Derek, obviously) about it off and on (more on than you'd imagine; I'm relatively obsessive as a general rule) for about the last year.  I told Him just how grateful we were (are) for the amazing, healthy, beautiful children we've been given.  I let Him know that we'd decided to stop with two, due to a variety of reasons.  Table for four, thank you very much.  But I added that if that wasn't the plan... if there was another, or several other, kiddos for us... that we were willing and wanting to do His Will.  We weren't absolutely set on the idea of just two, but you have to make some sort of decision, right?  I asked that He let me know if we should have more kids, maybe make me want to get pregnant and want a new baby (that's what happened with James to change our original planning; I think inspiration comes to me more in the form of nagging desire).

I figured it was a long shot.  I was no where near that place.  It's possible I only felt sorry for pregnant women and overwhelmed by the idea of a slew of kids- a slew being anything more than my current amount.  But guess what?  I'm sort of there now.  It has kind of happened slowly over the past several months (having pregnant friends possibly helped that, though consciously I felt more of the that-sucks-for-you kind of sentiments I previously mentioned).  But it happened.  Somehow, it happened.  I'm still ridiculously scared and hesitant about the idea, but the concept has grown on me a bit.

So finally, after trying to talk myself (ourselves) into being done and explaining to myself (ourselves) why that was the right decision for us... I stopped fighting.  And I said out loud an idea I had been thinking all along and hadn't let myself recognize: What if we had another baby?

What if we braved the big  número tres?

We thought about it, Derek and I, and we talked about it.  Then I relayed our thoughts to God.  And it turns out that while the idea is still scary and I have no idea how we'll make it all work... the idea feels... well... good.  I feel at peace, where I never did before.  Confused and a bit in shock, but still at peace.

So we're doing it.  (Insert dirty joke here.)

We're going to have another baby.

I'm getting my IUD out tomorrow.  No wasting time here, ha.  I'm stressed and overwhelmed and didn't sleep at all last night (seriously, not until 6:30am after bawling to Derek once he woke up for work), but Derek helped calm my nerves and quieted my fears (I seriously love this man), and as I was finally falling asleep I decided to take a leap of faith.  I'm going to try hard to turn off my need to have every question answered and every problem solved right now and just roll with it.  Heavenly Father has always looked out for us, and I feel like He's behind us on this one.  He will take care of us again.

And you know what?  Today, in my sleep-deprived delirium, I'm kind of excited!  A new little person to love!  A new beautiful face to smooch!  A new adventure!  I think it will be exciting.  If nothing else, it will be interesting.  I guess we'll have to see!

Let the adventure begin.

Anderson? Party of five?  Your table is ready.