Thirty-Six Weeks

I taught Sunday School today, for the last time pre-baby. It went well, and I must say I'll miss it. I really have loved the calling and loved the people I teach. Anyway, the point is: church was good. Things went well. I was fine. But by the time Relief Society was done, I was drop-dead exhausted. Really. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I could have passed out. (Dramatic? Yes. But true.)

Once we got home, we ate a quick lunch of leftover Thanksgiving dinner and then Derek put the kids down for naps while I crashed on the couch. The nap was super helpful (though apparently not helpful enough). After nap time, the kids came in, and we were snuggling. Then I had a meltdown. 

It was for nothing really. James was mean to Jolie (took a toy away, nothing huge) so he got put in time out. Then Jolie was mean to me (was swinging a toy in my face when I told her to stop, then threw it across the room when she did stop), so time out for her. Then on her way to time out, she stuck her tongue out at me. I shouted at her to get in time out, adding a minute for the tongue. Then I fell apart.

I went off to Derek on how they are so disrespectful to me and how it's no wonder society is disintegrating due to the lack of respect for authority, etc. Extreme, I know. They're three and six. Really my feelings were just hurt because I'm super sensitive lately. 

I just feel/felt that I need them to be super great because I'm not. But that's not fair. They're kids. Also, kids are d-bags sometimes; they're not consistently considerate. Hell, most adults aren't! But you really can't expect your kids to support you emotionally. It isn't fair. I should know this, having been on the other end of the stick far too often. But I was dumb and emotional. That happens, apparently.

Derek and I talked until I felt better, and the kids (post time-out) stayed in their room. I'm sure they felt no remorse (Jolie at least was playing and laughing), but at least I was able to calm down. And really, I'm not sure that remorse was necessary. The reaction wasn't proportionate to the offense. I realized that eventually.

I hate it, but I feel like since I was sick I'm just...done. I was doing so well getting things done and being positive. And now my body wears out after like two hours of effort and I'm just so darned emotionally spent. We've had cold cereal for dinner more nights than not. Derek just put in his own laundry so he'd have something to wear to work tomorrow. :( Now I'm losing it emotionally for seriously nothing at all. Sad. I'm kind of a failure.

I was telling Dena and Tori (via text) about what happened, venting really. And as I typed the grumpy stuff about my 'bratty kids,' Jolie came over and gently laid a blankie on me. There goes my theory about kids lacking compassion.  And then James came in and stood all repentant and hugged me. "I'm sorry." He said. "For what?" I asked. I know, I'm a jerk. But his response was so sweet and sincere: "I can't remember. It's been too long." Aww! Seriously?! Blast these babies, making me love them so much!

So after talking with Derek and then being treated sweetly by my kids, I felt better. Substantially. 

And then Derek came in, sat the kids down and began leading a little FHE (one of the things we'd discussed, which was sweet that he listened and took the lead on it). He started with the "Because I have been given much" song. Then he talked about how many good, nice things we have and how many things we have to be thankful for. And then he explained fasting and fast offerings (something James was curious about today) and how it was a way for us to help people, especially as we have so much. Then I explained that at Christmas time, we get presents but it's Jesus' birthday. Since we can't give Him a real present, we could be kind and generous to others - and that's like giving a gift to Him. "Unto the least of these my brethren" etc. Then we ended with the "If you don't walk like most people do..." Primary song. It was a quick but effective lesson, I think. And it certainly helped the spirit in our home. It certainly helped the spirit in me.

So the day ended as well as it began, and the middle messiness was forgiven. My family is so patient with me, significantly more patient than I am with myself (or with them half the time). I am grateful for this. And I hope it holds up.

I keep thinking that once the baby's born, everything will be easier. But after having birthed two babies, I know that's far from the truth! I'll be more comfortable, yes. In love with my new little one, definitely. But less hormonal and tired? Yeah, no. That's not going to go away for a while. Boo. So apparently I need to buck up. Or slow down. Meh, probably both. 

I can do that. Or at least I can try. Things are going to be fine. Life is good. It really is. Remind me of that tomorrow when I'm falling apart. :|