Friday the 13th

My gosh, what a day. I woke up this morning (last night) at 3am feeling strange. I thought I should go to the bathroom. To pee, I assumed, as per usual. But it seems my poor body had something else entirely in mind. I horrible diarrhea (sorry)-- just one bout, but pretty intense. I'd heard/read this was an early sign of labor, so it made me suspicious. 

Then the contractions started. Nothing severe, but definitely there-and ten minutes apart. Consistently. I tracked them for about an hour then fell asleep exhausted. Those suckers wipe me out! They were definitely painful. But bviously they weren't too strong, or I'd never have been able to sleep through them. 

I woke up in the morning exhausted but feeling ok. I didn't notice (or try to notice) any contractions or anything; I just got the kiddos ready and James off to school. I did, however, call the doctor's office afterward. I figured that if nothing else, they could strip my membranes earlier-- giving me that much more day to possibly deliver (and have Dr. F do the delivering, as opposed to an on-call doctor). If things were going to happen today, I wanted them to happen before 5pm so F could deliver me.

Anyway, when I called and explained, they wanted me to come in super soon, as Dr. F "would want to see me sooner rather than later" to make sure I wasn't too dilated. Stupid. I shouldn't have listened; it worked me up way too much (which I already was before), with worry as well as excitement. I just had a feeling that today might be the day. I think that feeling was hope. I had thought, however, that that feeling was some sort of intuition. Dumb. I took Jolie over to Rose's house to play with Anneliese (I owe Rose so big time); then I headed to the doc's. 

The office was really busy, so it took a while to get in there. They took my blood pressure (117/66), weighed me (175), and listened to the baby's heartbeat (140s). Then I stripped down and waited for Dr F. Then right when he was supposed to come in, Justine (his nurse) came in to tell me he'd just been called in for a delivery. She said he would be a while but that she could just check me, or another doc could. I told her I didn't care who did it; I just wanted my membranes stripped. She was about to grab a doctor when she peeked at my chart. Then she turned back around. 

Turns out I am Group B Strep positive. I have Group B Strep. It's a bacterial infection my cervix (I think?) has that doesn't harm me at all and is nothing I'd even notice. But it can seriously harm the baby. The baby can't get it unless exposed directly to it (ie during a vaginal birth, etc), though. But because of this, they won't strip me (ever... waa) to avoid the risk of contaminating the baby. It also means that they'll put antibiotics in my IV while I'm in labor, monitor the baby more closely at birth, and keep the baby (us, I guess) a full two-days after birth just to monitor her and make sure she isn't affected/ill.

After that fantastic news (sarcasm), she checked my cervix... and... nothing. No change whatsoever. Three centimeters dilated, 80 percent effaced (pretty soft, at least, not firm at all... so I guess that's something) and a -2 station. Just like last time. All that hurting and contracting had been for nothing. 

Needless to say, I was crushed. I totally cried. I tried so hard not to, but the tears wouldn't stop. I was so embarrassed. Justine was sweet, though, and at that moment I was glad it was her and not F. He would have been kind, but he would not have understood. Sometimes you just need another girl.

She told me about several things I could do to try and get things going. But once I was done crying (and got some food and did some shopping, haha), I knew I was done. I was done hoping to have her today. I was done trying to induce or encourage labor along. I was going to get a good book, take a good nap and do nothing at all but relax. It's what I needed (need) the most. And waiting would be fine. It will be. I'd just thought she was coming sooner is all.

I had kind of  hoped to start labor on my own this time. It's very likely my last pregnancy, and I thought I might be disappointed to have never experienced unplanned contractions, my water breaking on its own, etc. But after all that anxiety, emotional and physical, and after realizing just how painful the contractions need to be in order to go in on your own, I have no desire to do it that way at all! I remembered why inductions have always been my plan of action. I don't want the fear. Or the chaos. Or the anxiety. Or the pain. I like the controlled environment and the epidural and the experts there taking charge. So it's okay. It's good.

So now we wait. Again. Still. But I know a bit more about what's going on (mostly how none of it means much) and feel less panicked about it all now. One more week. I can do one more week. Especially if the days are nothing at all like today.

Exhausted sigh.

The End.

It's freezing outside, but I'm melting.

Melting-DOWN, that is. Routinely. It's getting old. But there is some silver lining, I think. This is a "note to self" I put on my phone yesterday. Like a quick journal entry. It explains my thought process. Read on.

"I have a major meltdown every other night if not more often. Crying hysterically, swearing up a storm, feeling immensely and personally offended by everything and everyone.... I swear it's dehydrating me, all this crying I've been doing. (I'm somewhat serious.) A perk of this hormonal craziness: when the same exact thing happens post-partum, I'll not blame the baby or the sleep deprivation I'll have because of her. Because the craziness was here before. At least there's that. Eegh, it's super exhausting, though."

Damn hormones. Sigh.

Turn to the side and cough.

I had my 37-week appointment today. One more, and I'm done!! I had skipped my 36-week one, FYI, because the appointment would have fallen on Thanksgiving break, and I thought it was stupid to squeeze it in a couple of days before this one. So we sacked it and just started in at 37-weeks.

Because I'd missed my 36-week appointment, this was my first time being checked for dilation etc. And I had to have a strep B swab done. Besides the discomfort of laying on my back, the checking and swabbing were no big deal. Not really painful except when he had to sort of dig for my cervix. It's shy; it hides (or rather it's way-the-crap up there and at a 90 degree angle).

Anyway, here are the stats: I weighed in at 173.2, a couple of pounds more than last time, perfect. My blood pressure was 113/68, which is apparently good. Her heart rate was 155, which felt really fast to me but is about what it's always been. And I'm only measuring 37-38 weeks, so not as extra-big as I've been in the past. Kind of right on, actually. Maybe she won't be huge after all.

And now the exciting part: I'm dilated to 3 cm and am 80% effaced, and she's at a -2 station. Yay! That's progress, people!! That's as far along as I've ever been on my own. It's exactly where I was when I went in to be induced, actually, if I remember right! Throw some pitocin my way, and I could have this baby tonight! And I still have two weeks to go... Kind of cool. 

Cool and also exhausting. Turns out having your cervix harassed and then walking the mall and then having a melt-down (more on that later) makes for an exhausting evening. It's only just 9pm, and I've dozed off at least 6 times just trying to type this! Yeesh. Maybe I'll 'rest my eyelids' for a bit, as Grandma Bunny would say. Yes. Yes, I'll try that.

Zzzz

Thirty-Six Weeks

I taught Sunday School today, for the last time pre-baby. It went well, and I must say I'll miss it. I really have loved the calling and loved the people I teach. Anyway, the point is: church was good. Things went well. I was fine. But by the time Relief Society was done, I was drop-dead exhausted. Really. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I could have passed out. (Dramatic? Yes. But true.)

Once we got home, we ate a quick lunch of leftover Thanksgiving dinner and then Derek put the kids down for naps while I crashed on the couch. The nap was super helpful (though apparently not helpful enough). After nap time, the kids came in, and we were snuggling. Then I had a meltdown. 

It was for nothing really. James was mean to Jolie (took a toy away, nothing huge) so he got put in time out. Then Jolie was mean to me (was swinging a toy in my face when I told her to stop, then threw it across the room when she did stop), so time out for her. Then on her way to time out, she stuck her tongue out at me. I shouted at her to get in time out, adding a minute for the tongue. Then I fell apart.

I went off to Derek on how they are so disrespectful to me and how it's no wonder society is disintegrating due to the lack of respect for authority, etc. Extreme, I know. They're three and six. Really my feelings were just hurt because I'm super sensitive lately. 

I just feel/felt that I need them to be super great because I'm not. But that's not fair. They're kids. Also, kids are d-bags sometimes; they're not consistently considerate. Hell, most adults aren't! But you really can't expect your kids to support you emotionally. It isn't fair. I should know this, having been on the other end of the stick far too often. But I was dumb and emotional. That happens, apparently.

Derek and I talked until I felt better, and the kids (post time-out) stayed in their room. I'm sure they felt no remorse (Jolie at least was playing and laughing), but at least I was able to calm down. And really, I'm not sure that remorse was necessary. The reaction wasn't proportionate to the offense. I realized that eventually.

I hate it, but I feel like since I was sick I'm just...done. I was doing so well getting things done and being positive. And now my body wears out after like two hours of effort and I'm just so darned emotionally spent. We've had cold cereal for dinner more nights than not. Derek just put in his own laundry so he'd have something to wear to work tomorrow. :( Now I'm losing it emotionally for seriously nothing at all. Sad. I'm kind of a failure.

I was telling Dena and Tori (via text) about what happened, venting really. And as I typed the grumpy stuff about my 'bratty kids,' Jolie came over and gently laid a blankie on me. There goes my theory about kids lacking compassion.  And then James came in and stood all repentant and hugged me. "I'm sorry." He said. "For what?" I asked. I know, I'm a jerk. But his response was so sweet and sincere: "I can't remember. It's been too long." Aww! Seriously?! Blast these babies, making me love them so much!

So after talking with Derek and then being treated sweetly by my kids, I felt better. Substantially. 

And then Derek came in, sat the kids down and began leading a little FHE (one of the things we'd discussed, which was sweet that he listened and took the lead on it). He started with the "Because I have been given much" song. Then he talked about how many good, nice things we have and how many things we have to be thankful for. And then he explained fasting and fast offerings (something James was curious about today) and how it was a way for us to help people, especially as we have so much. Then I explained that at Christmas time, we get presents but it's Jesus' birthday. Since we can't give Him a real present, we could be kind and generous to others - and that's like giving a gift to Him. "Unto the least of these my brethren" etc. Then we ended with the "If you don't walk like most people do..." Primary song. It was a quick but effective lesson, I think. And it certainly helped the spirit in our home. It certainly helped the spirit in me.

So the day ended as well as it began, and the middle messiness was forgiven. My family is so patient with me, significantly more patient than I am with myself (or with them half the time). I am grateful for this. And I hope it holds up.

I keep thinking that once the baby's born, everything will be easier. But after having birthed two babies, I know that's far from the truth! I'll be more comfortable, yes. In love with my new little one, definitely. But less hormonal and tired? Yeah, no. That's not going to go away for a while. Boo. So apparently I need to buck up. Or slow down. Meh, probably both. 

I can do that. Or at least I can try. Things are going to be fine. Life is good. It really is. Remind me of that tomorrow when I'm falling apart. :|

Thankvember 2013

This November, I decided to focus on things I am grateful for- naming a different thing every day of the month, and having a corresponding picture for each. (I did this last year as well; it's not my original idea.) It was a great exercise and helped me stay positive and grateful the whole month long. I really enjoyed it. Here are the 30 things I was/am thankful for (this is not an all-inclusive list for sure).

Thankvember Day 1: I am immensely grateful for the freedom and ability to read anything and everything I want: to educate myself, to read religious literature, or simply to entertain myself with an enjoyable novel. Books are my happy place, and I'm so thankful they are not banned nor burned nor out of my reach.

Thankvember Day 2: I am so thankful that my children are friends.  This picture is from just, just now. I heard a bunch of giggling and squealing and general goofiness coming from their room, and I went in to tell them to play quietly (so mom and dad could sleep in, lol)... And this is what I found. Both of them in Jolie's bed just playing and snuggling and being sweet. James apparently was using Jolie's head as a pillow, hence the squeals.  They're the best of friends, and it absolutely melts my heart.

Thankvember Day 3: It SNOWED!!!  Today I am thankful for seasons. And that I live in a beautiful place where I can enjoy all four of them!

Thankvember Day 4: I am thankful to have the financial means and available services to take care of my family. Today: a fun trip to the dentist (no sarcasm; they love it)! No cavities, hooray!

Thankvember Day 5: I am thankful for the right to vote, and the many men and women who have fought and continue to fight for this freedom.

Thankvember Day 6: I am so grateful for my sweet Jolie Girl. And that we waited a while before having our third, so I could have some one-on-one time with her. Today we had a girls' day ... Shopping and lunch, just the two of us. It's been perfect. Love her so much.

Thankvember Day 7: I am immensely thankful for healthy children... and for the fact that I have had and am having a healthy, pretty 'textbook' pregnancy... and for the awesome doctors and services available to me! Sweet baby girl, it was so, so good to "see" you today! xo

Thankvember Day 8: I'm so grateful to be married to a man by whom I am smitten ... I suspect I may not be the only one. 

Thankvember Day 9: I am thankful for my children's adventurous palates! We went out for sushi tonight, and they gobbled it up! So proud.

Thankvember Day 10: I'm thankful for all of the happy, sweet moments I get with my kids. Like snuggling and reading books together. Love. And I'm thankful that these positive moments are more frequently occurring than are negative ones.

Thankvember Day 11: Today I am thankful for my father-in-law. I never got to know him, really, but he must have been amazing if the whole "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" theory proves true. I am so thankful for his influence on our lives and cannot wait to get to know him someday.

Thankvember Day 12: I am thankful for money and that we have enough.

Thankvember Day 13: I'm thankful for my little shopping buddy! Jolie is seriously so much fun to shop with! She's super patient and pleasant and sweet and really just a lovely little friend! It's hard to reign in our girls' dates, as I know my one-on-one time with her is coming to an end. So we're going out while we've got the chance. And it's delightful!

Thankvember Day 14: I am thankful that I've been able to adjust to morning craziness enough to make my kids a hearty breakfast before school and do so happily... and for my mother, who set the bar by doing so my whole childhood.

Thankvember Day 15: I'm thankful for the ability to crawl out of a funk. It's not always possible, but this morning it was. Making my bed, listening to Christmas music, showering and getting ready for the day, and doing mani/pedis with Jolie all helped. The end result: a much happier, much more zen Becca.

Thankvember Day 16: I'm thankful that we were able to be flexible with our traditions this year and start them early. The warm, cozy glow of the Christmas tree very seriously soothes my soul and makes me so happy!

Thankvember Day 17: I'm thankful for these seriously great guys and that they are still BFFs even after all these years!

Thankvember Day 18: I'm thankful for the ability to create.

Thankvember Day 19: I'm thankful for motherly intuition. I rarely trust mine, assuming it to be nonexistent. But today I let James stay home when he said his tummy hurt, even though I wasn't sure it was legit. Well, a hall full of barf just proved it so.  Bleh. Hooray for warm baths and Santa beards to make things better.

Thankvember Day 20: I meant to post a pic to show that I'm thankful for the ability to veg, to play games, to snuggle and relax. But seeing this picture makes me feel more so that I'm thankful for these hands, and for all they do for me and mine.

Thankvember Day 21: I am thankful for my rural upbringing. Photo courtesy of my bro-in-law Jorge (crappy cropping is all mine).

Thankvember Day 22: I'm thankful for a relaxing evening at home with the family.

 

Thankvember Day 23: I'm thankful that Derek is willing to put the kids to bed pretty much every night and let me lay here on the couch with my huge belly and its contractions. Thank you, Derek. Really.

Thankvember Day 24: I'm thankful for smart kids. No pressure, little womb baby.

Thankvember Day 25: Today I am especially grateful for site-to-store shipping. I bought a whole bunch of stuff we needed without having to haul my poor, useless body through the store to pick it out; they had it all ready for me at the front desk! So nice. And considering how wiped out a quick grocery run made me, superbly appreciated.

Thankvember Day 26: I am so thankful for my siblings (by birth as well as 'inherited' through marriage) and that we are genuinely friends. Today I'm especially thankful for this gorgeous girl, and that she came out of her surgery with no complications or problems and a darling baby to boot! Welcome, Baby Cameron! And Tori, I am so proud of you! I love you like crazy.

Thankvember Day 27: This was the only picture on my phone today. Truth. So today I'm grateful for... overly-informed children??  She's never seen me use it, but the box is pretty clear. Silly girl. She needed milk for Baby Waa, she said. I caught her with it and couldn't help but laugh. Disturbing? Slightly. Adorable? Certainly.

Happy Thanksgiving from me and mine!! This Thanksgiving, I am especially grateful for family, near and far. Love you all so, so much! Thankvember Day 28.

Thankvember Day 29: I am so thankful for this little guy. I love him so, so much and am so glad he's my boy. Being the oldest, he gets too-high expectations and too-hard responsibilities and likely too-severe discipline. But I hope he knows that I love him like crazy and am so proud of the wonderful person he is. He is smart and funny and compassionate and kind. Love you, handsome boy.

Thankvember Day 30: I am actually super grateful for my current calling (job) in church. I'm the Gospel Doctrine teacher during Sunday School, and I've always been so scared of that position as I feel I really don't know that much! It's so intimidating to teach others who do! But I have loved it because I have learned so, so much and have grown so much personally/spiritually as a result of the preparation and teaching. Tomorrow is my last time teaching pre-baby, and I'm seriously going to miss it while I'm out on leave! The Gospel of Jesus Christ is true! It really is. And that, as they say, is good news indeed.