Spectacularly Happy

{Phone} Journal Entry - March 22, 2013

I am spectacularly happy right now. I started my period today, so by all accounts I shouldn't be, but I am. I was able to use my creativity tonight (virtual, but still), and creating things always makes me happy. But more than that, I was able to spend some good down time with the three people I love best. And that feels fantastic. A breath of fresh air was just what I needed. I suspect things (my mood) will start to look up soon. For one, I have a little time off because we are in between quarters at work. This means more family time and more sleep. Both will impact me tremendously for the better. And then there's the fact that it's going to genuinely feel like spring soon! The winter slump will end! I seriously cannot wait. I love Cache Valley in the spring. As beautiful and cozy as winter can be, I am always desperately ready for spring when it arrives. Hooray for happiness. Please, come in. And stay a while.

A Consistently Good Day

{Phone} Journal Entry - March 18, 2013

Today was much, much better. Thank goodness. There was a whole lot of downtime, and I think that made a big difference. Scheduling stresses me out immensely. Having to be someplace at some time causes an incredible amount of anxiety. Even (or especially, as obligation and guilt are associated) church. Or any time I have to get up or be somewhere early in the morning. Even if it's a fun thing planned, I get majorly wound up and then I collapse.

It's always been this way. Or maybe it's worse due to the many blow outs that have occurred. All growing up, I would have to be somewhere (school trip, etc) in the morning. So I'd stress it all night, get no sleep, oversleep in the morning (somehow utterly disregarding my alarms), and my mom would rush in in the morning telling me the bus (or my ride) was outside waiting for me! Utter chaos ensued. Panic, stress, tension, arguments, embarrassment, etc. Consistently. Now the associated anxiety is inevitable. I'm a mess.

Anyway, schedules induce anxiety. So today- a mostly schedule free day- was much better. I also slept in (the kids ate dry Cheerios in the living room whilst watching cartoons). I should feel bad, but I desperately needed it. And they don't get to do that sort of thing often, so I think it was okay. I think they liked it. I certainly did.

Tonight we had an appropriately short FHE (I tend to make them too long), which felt good and made me happy. We snuggled and giggled and talked. And after the babies were in bed, I watched a couple chick flicks. I never do this. But it was way nice. One of the flicks was en français, which always makes my heart go pitter pat.

And so the day began well and ended well. I am happy. Hooray.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for a consistently good day. I needed that.

Struggling

I was having a particularly rough day a while ago, and I couldn't seem to kick it.  Thinking expression might help, I snagged my phone (I was in bed, in the dark, so actual writing wouldn't work) and created a journal entry of sorts in the notebook app.  I figure it's as good of a journal entry as anything, so I should record it.  Below is said entry.



{Phone} Journal Entry - March 17, 2013

I've been struggling sooo much lately! I thought it was due to my neck pain and consequential irritability. But now that the neck pain is gone (which rocks), the incredible moodiness and irritability has remained (which sucks). I'm not sure what's going on.

It's getting warmer outside. The sunshine is returning. You'd think I would be happier. And I am- in bursts. But I'm also extremely angry (like skin crawling furious) for nothing at all in bursts. And heart-smashing depressed under it all, just hovering in the distance...waiting to strike. Why is this happening??

I thought I was maybe pregnant. Hormones can make me quite cookoo.  But I took a test today. Nope. Maybe it's just PMS? I've thought maybe my new package of Citalopram is full of placebos (as this moodiness started about when I got the new pills). Or (scariest of them all) maybe I just unravel this time of year. This is when I lost it after Jolie was born (and subsequently started taking meds in the first place).

Whatever the reason, I hope it resolves itself. And soon. I'm wearing down.

Depression blows.

Less than Lucky

The Luck of the Irish is not with us it seems.

Update 3/22/13: Punto. Until June, then...