My cousin Jocelyn needed to interview someone for a project she's
doing in one of her university classes, and she asked if she could interview
me. The interview was regarding parenting. I filled out the interview
questionnaire late last night and was honest (possibly too honest) and just
wrote what came to mind. Here is a copy, for journaling purposes.
*******************************************************************
How old were each of you when you had each of your children?
Child 1: Derek 25, Becca 23
Child 2: D 28, B 26
Child 3: D 32, B 30
How many years together: We’ve been together for 12 years. Married
10.
Relationship to each other
How did becoming parents change the way you related to each other?
I think we became more of a team, more partners than we
were before. It’s like
the biggest and most important group project of your life, and you
quickly realize one another’s strengths and weaknesses and learn to work
together to be the best you can be as a group. We have certainly grown closer
because of it, but I swear we look at each other much less! (Really, though. With three
little rugrats running around, your eyes are constantly distracted trying to
keep them wrangled. Sometimes on dates, I think, “So that’s what you look
like!”)
What were things like with your relationship before and after
having children?
Having babies together kind of forces you to discuss
never-before-discussed topics such as poop, barf, constipation, the
works. I never could have stomached even talking about such things
pre-babies, and since then have found myself cleaning the stuff. Ick. But altogether manageable. Who knew?
Relationship to friends and family members
How did becoming parents change the way you as a couple and
individually related to your friends and family members?
Children are people too, turns out, and adding them into
our family changed more than we’d expected in the social aspect. We had
to adjust our schedules and head home from parties much earlier for bedtime,
etc, which we swore we wouldn’t do (the baby would adjust to OUR schedules…
ha). But we also soon realized that how people connected to our little
ones could make or break our relationships. And it worked the other way around,
too. Some of our friends were poor parents (in our opinions) or
would have kids that were mean/naughty, which would cause us to withdraw and
would ultimately result in a distant relationship. Sounds harsh typing it out
like this, but really- your kids become your priority. You have to protect them
and guide them. So you do, even at a cost.
Work
Were you both or just one spouse employed when your first child
was born?
We had both been working when I was pregnant, but I had quit just
a couple of months before the baby came so I could stay home and be
mommy. So just D.
How did having a child change your work
dynamic (Did you work more hours, less hours, leave job, etc.)?
I left my job to stay at home. Derek had been a full on university
student and had to then split his time between full-time school and part-time
work.
Education
Did having children affect your education? If yes, how so?
Not mine, as I’d graduated before we ever got pregnant. But
Derek’s, yes. He was still in school, having just switched majors. And
his schooling (due to two kids before graduation) was substantially more drawn
out. He could have zipped through it but would have been much less
available to me and significantly less involved in the kids’ lives.
Babies are not cats. You really need to spend quality time with them if
they’re to thrive.
If you were you finished with school, but
planned to further your education, did having children affected your decision
to return to school?
I’ve never really wanted my master’s degree. But I certainly
won’t consider it now until the kids are (at very least) all in full-day
school.
Balance
Do you believe that it is difficult or
easy to balance work and family time?
Difficult for sure. “You can be anything but not everything”
is spot on.
Life satisfaction
Describe your satisfaction with the way
life is right now?
I’m pretty satisfied, honestly. It’s exhausting to be
responsible for three little souls, but it’s so incredibly rewarding. Sometimes
it sucks that Derek started climbing the career ladder so late (read: that
we’re not yet making the big bucks), but really if I had to do it again, I
would make the same choices. Derek and I have a really great relationship and
are still very much in love. And we’re typically besotted with our
children. So life is pretty good, overall.
Describe your satisfaction with the way things were when your
first child was born?
We were over the moon! Poor college students and young, stressed,
inexperienced parents, but happy.
Future
Before you became parents, how did you see or plan your future as
a couple?
We thought we’d buy a house sooner (we still haven’t). We thought
we’d travel more. Probably go on dates more and make out more. We initially thought we wanted 4-5 kids
but decided after having one (who was really the perfect baby; it’s just that
parenting is HARD) that maybe 2-3 was enough. Ha. Life is not exactly as
we’d imagined, but life rarely is. I’m not sure kids are entirely the
source of the difference. We always knew we wanted children,
though. And having a family was our top plan/priority. So we’re on track
in that regard.
As parents, how do you see or plan your future now as a couple?
It’s not really just about us
anymore. We’re a family of five, a package deal. I’m not sure we plan
enough for our future as a couple. But we plan to stay happy. To
communicate fully and freely. To remain best friends, truly best
friends. Yeah, I don’t know. That may need to be a discussion we
have in the near future.
Finances
Before you were parents, how did you spend extra money (thinking
after paying all bills, loans, etc.)?
We went on a ton of dates. We ate out a ton, went to the
movies, all that. If we wanted/needed something big, we’d live off one of our
incomes and save the rest. (We lived in Paris
Obviously you have to spend more money to take care of your
children. How has having children affected how you spend extra money when you
have it or save your money?
We save more. We act more like responsible adults. We
have savings accounts for the kids. We have a retirement fund. Boring
stuff that maybe would have come with age anyway, but the parent factor
certainly sped that progression along. We still eat out, just much less. We
don’t shop so much for clothes and stuff for ourselves like we did
before. (Ew. We’ve become our parents!)
Was the financial aspect of having children what you expected, or
not what you expected at all?
We were young and stupid and really didn’t think too much about
the financial ramifications. Or I didn’t (Derek likely did). I figured: we’ll
have babies and make it work. And we have. Feeding, clothing and educating (not
just school supplies but things like swimming lessons, etc) definitely add up,
though. I think the older our kids get the more expensive they get and the more
financial stress we feel, really.
Lessons
What do you believe is the most important lesson(s) you have
learned from having children?
Oh man. Where to begin? Hm. I think if I had to choose just
one, I would say that I have learned and continue to learn that: Love is a
verb. It’s one thing to say that you love someone but to truly love
someone is an action, a lifelong commitment filled with sacrifice and work and
dedication. It’s exhausting as hell but really the only thing worth living for.
What do you wish you would have done
differently, if anything at all? (Could be anything that has to do with being a
parent, relationship with spouse, or just you)
I don’t know that we would have done any of it differently.
We certainly make mistakes and regret them fiercely. But I’m not sure
that a change in course would have made us more perfect parents or people.
Perhaps we just haven’t gotten to the point in our lives (in our maturity?)
where hindsight is 20/20. We’re continually learning, continually
changing course. But I think that’s what good parents do. I mean, kids do. And
you’ve gotta keep up!
No comments:
Post a Comment