Soul Searching

This statement is just part of a news article that was released yesterday regarding the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the church I am a member of, the one I believe to be true.

"A natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabiting, may not receive a name and a blessing," the policy reads.

Natural or adopted children living in a same-sex household will only be allowed to be baptized once they are 18, disavow the practice of same-sex cohabitation or marriage, and stop living within the household, according to the policy. Such baptism would still require the approval of the church's governing First Presidency.

http://kutv.com/news/local/lds-church-to-exclude-children-of-same-sex-couples-from-membership


This news kind of broke my heart.  I thought there was no way it was true; it just didn't seem like the Church I knew.  I chalked it up to rumor and tried to quiet my mind and go to sleep. But I called my Bishop this morning, and he said that it is indeed true.  I started bawling and asked him to offer up some perspective. I told him (and I'm telling you) that I DO believe this Gospel to be true, and I believe the Prophet speaks from God.  But this is difficult for me to wrap my head around. Generally inflammatory things that come out about the church trigger fear and doubt but when I get to the source- the official Church stance and then ultimately speak to God about it in prayer, I feel peace.  So I'm working on doing that now.

Here are some thoughts that have been offered that help or have come to mind that bring peace...

This article helped and was pretty consistent with what my Bishop had to say.
http://wellbehavedmormonwoman.blogspot.com/2015/11/response-to-new-church-policy-gay-marriage-children-baptism.html?m=1

My comment to a friend regarding this was:
I spoke with my bishop this morning. I cried. This is hard for me to stomach. It feels like children are being punished for something I'm not even sure people should be punished for. But my Bishop explained that there is no punishment involved. They are just simply trying to avoid stress and conflict in the family. Why it is directed specifically towards this topic, I don't know. The above article help clarify in that same vein. I am still not totally pacified, but it does help to understand from that perspective. I do believe the Gospel to be true. And I need to lean on that belief. The ultimate question is whether you believe the prophet to be the mouthpiece of God. I will be spending some time on my knees. Faith is about trust. It is difficult for me to trust what I don't understand, but that's faith, right? Sometimes you just have to obey God and know that He knows what He is doing. Hopefully this helps someone as well. Love to all of you. Regardless of sexual orientation.

Someone else commented:
In the end it is about stabilizing and benefiting the family by not bringing in additional stress and conflict. In a same-sex household, who would, more than likely, want the child blessed and baptized, the parents or the grandparents? Most likely it would be the grandparents, for most situations. So, eliminate that conflict in the family and extended family altogether and allow the child to make their own decision, when they come of age.

And I replied later:
I understand that this hurts many people who have loved ones in the LGBTQ community. It hurts me too, and I am not personally involved in this kind of situation. But I think Brandon is right in regards to protecting the family. I think if the gay couple decided they wanted to be married and go against what the church stands for, it is not likely that they would want their child to go toward this religion they were in open disagreement with. I think this will protect children from being forced into something from their grandparents' perspective and they are really unsure as to what they believe yet.

And like I said in my other comment, it does feel like this particular sin or what have you is being singled out. It absolutely is. But this topic is one that is not decidedly frowned upon in society, where as the others are very obviously wrong in the eyes of basically everyone.

A friend of mine responded:
The world isn't quite as black and white as that. What about a child with divorced parents? What if one of the parent is gay? Should the child never be allowed to live with the gay parent? What about joint custody?

And my response:
I said the same thing to my bishop. And he said that that is exactly why they are called guidelines. Each situation will have to be looked at individually, and exceptions can certainly be made. You just have to get the permission of the first presidency and all of that. But that happens more often than we realize, I think.


These are my thoughts on the matter as of now. All jumbled, as they are in my mind.  I am trying hard to "doubt my doubts before I doubt my belief" as President Uchdorf has counseled. I know there is much that I do not understand -- both surrounding this issue as well as in other areas.  But I need to focus on what I DO know to be true and trust in God. And when you have questions, ask Him.  He'll answer.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." -- James 1:5

Interview on Parenting

My cousin Jocelyn needed to interview someone for a project she's doing in one of her university classes, and she asked if she could interview me.  The interview was regarding parenting. I filled out the interview questionnaire late last night and was honest (possibly too honest) and just wrote what came to mind. Here is a copy, for journaling purposes.

*******************************************************************

How old were each of you when you had each of your children?

            Child 1: Derek 25, Becca 23

            Child 2: D 28, B 26

            Child 3: D 32, B 30

How many years together: We’ve been together for 12 years. Married 10.

Relationship to each other

How did becoming parents change the way you related to each other?

 I think we became more of a team, more partners than we were before.  It’s like

the biggest and most important group project of your life, and you quickly realize one another’s strengths and weaknesses and learn to work together to be the best you can be as a group. We have certainly grown closer because of it, but I swear we look at each other much less!  (Really, though. With three little rugrats running around, your eyes are constantly distracted trying to keep them wrangled. Sometimes on dates, I think, “So that’s what you look like!”)

What were things like with your relationship before and after having children?

 Having babies together kind of forces you to discuss never-before-discussed topics such as poop, barf, constipation, the works.  I never could have stomached even talking about such things pre-babies, and since then have found myself cleaning the stuff.  Ick.  But altogether manageable. Who knew?

Relationship to friends and family members

How did becoming parents change the way you as a couple and individually related to your friends and family members?

 Children are people too, turns out, and adding them into our family changed more than we’d expected in the social aspect.  We had to adjust our schedules and head home from parties much earlier for bedtime, etc, which we swore we wouldn’t do (the baby would adjust to OUR schedules… ha).  But we also soon realized that how people connected to our little ones could make or break our relationships. And it worked the other way around, too.  Some of our friends were poor parents (in our opinions) or would have kids that were mean/naughty, which would cause us to withdraw and would ultimately result in a distant relationship. Sounds harsh typing it out like this, but really- your kids become your priority. You have to protect them and guide them.  So you do, even at a cost.

Work

Were you both or just one spouse employed when your first child was born?

We had both been working when I was pregnant, but I had quit just a couple of months before the baby came so I could stay home and be mommy.  So just D.

 How did having a child change your work dynamic (Did you work more hours, less hours, leave job, etc.)?

I left my job to stay at home. Derek had been a full on university student and had to then split his time between full-time school and part-time work.

Education

Did having children affect your education? If yes, how so?

Not mine, as I’d graduated before we ever got pregnant.  But Derek’s, yes.  He was still in school, having just switched majors. And his schooling (due to two kids before graduation) was substantially more drawn out.  He could have zipped through it but would have been much less available to me and significantly less involved in the kids’ lives.  Babies are not cats.  You really need to spend quality time with them if they’re to thrive.

 If you were you finished with school, but planned to further your education, did having children affected your decision to return to school?

I’ve never really wanted my master’s degree.  But I certainly won’t consider it now until the kids are (at very least) all in full-day school.

Balance

 Do you believe that it is difficult or easy to balance work and family time?

Difficult for sure.  “You can be anything but not everything” is spot on. 

Life satisfaction

 Describe your satisfaction with the way life is right now?

I’m pretty satisfied, honestly.  It’s exhausting to be responsible for three little souls, but it’s so incredibly rewarding. Sometimes it sucks that Derek started climbing the career ladder so late (read: that we’re not yet making the big bucks), but really if I had to do it again, I would make the same choices. Derek and I have a really great relationship and are still very much in love.  And we’re typically besotted with our children.  So life is pretty good, overall.

Describe your satisfaction with the way things were when your first child was born?

We were over the moon! Poor college students and young, stressed, inexperienced parents, but happy.

Future

Before you became parents, how did you see or plan your future as a couple?

We thought we’d buy a house sooner (we still haven’t). We thought we’d travel more. Probably go on dates more and make out more. We initially thought we wanted 4-5 kids but decided after having one (who was really the perfect baby; it’s just that parenting is HARD) that maybe 2-3 was enough. Ha.  Life is not exactly as we’d imagined, but life rarely is.  I’m not sure kids are entirely the source of the difference.  We always knew we wanted children, though.  And having a family was our top plan/priority. So we’re on track in that regard.

As parents, how do you see or plan your future now as a couple?

  It’s not really just about us anymore.  We’re a family of five, a package deal. I’m not sure we plan enough for our future as a couple.  But we plan to stay happy. To communicate fully and freely.  To remain best friends, truly best friends.  Yeah, I don’t know.  That may need to be a discussion we have in the near future. 

Finances

Before you were parents, how did you spend extra money (thinking after paying all bills, loans, etc.)? 

We went on a ton of dates.  We ate out a ton, went to the movies, all that. If we wanted/needed something big, we’d live off one of our incomes and save the rest.  (We lived in Paris for a month this way, which seems crazy now.)

Obviously you have to spend more money to take care of your children. How has having children affected how you spend extra money when you have it or save your money?

We save more.  We act more like responsible adults.  We have savings accounts for the kids. We have a retirement fund.  Boring stuff that maybe would have come with age anyway, but the parent factor certainly sped that progression along. We still eat out, just much less. We don’t shop so much for clothes and stuff for ourselves like we did before.  (Ew.  We’ve become our parents!)

Was the financial aspect of having children what you expected, or not what you expected at all?

We were young and stupid and really didn’t think too much about the financial ramifications. Or I didn’t (Derek likely did). I figured: we’ll have babies and make it work. And we have. Feeding, clothing and educating (not just school supplies but things like swimming lessons, etc) definitely add up, though. I think the older our kids get the more expensive they get and the more financial stress we feel, really.

Lessons

What do you believe is the most important lesson(s) you have learned from having children?

Oh man. Where to begin? Hm.  I think if I had to choose just one, I would say that I have learned and continue to learn that: Love is a verb.  It’s one thing to say that you love someone but to truly love someone is an action, a lifelong commitment filled with sacrifice and work and dedication. It’s exhausting as hell but really the only thing worth living for.

 What do you wish you would have done differently, if anything at all? (Could be anything that has to do with being a parent, relationship with spouse, or just you)

 I don’t know that we would have done any of it differently. We certainly make mistakes and regret them fiercely.  But I’m not sure that a change in course would have made us more perfect parents or people. Perhaps we just haven’t gotten to the point in our lives (in our maturity?) where hindsight is 20/20.  We’re continually learning, continually changing course. But I think that’s what good parents do. I mean, kids do. And you’ve gotta keep up!

It's Great to Be Eight

My baby is eight years old today. Today meaning 20 minutes ago (it's 12:20 AM). Although technically, he will not be eight years old until about 8:40 AM. Regardless, this turning-eight business is kind of breaking my heart. I am so excited for him, as birthdays are about his favorite thing ever, but I am baffled by how eight years have passed. Wasn't he just a tiny baby in my arms? 

He is going to be a Boy Scout. I am so under prepared for this. I have no idea what scouts do. Michael was a scout, but I had left home by the time he was old enough to be one. I am absolutely unfamiliar with this boy territory. This has always been the case with James, I suppose, but I thought I had things under control. Now there is a whole new ballgame. I think you'll love it, though. And I have Derek. He has a lot of experience with this, as he was once a little boy himself! I am so happy I have him. He is a good example for my boy. They are both pretty amazing guys.

James is really shaping up to be a pretty great kid. It is been really great to see him step up as Jolie has had her tonsils out and has been suffering. He has helped me a ton, dealt with Jolie and her orneriness, been patient with her when she screams and wakes him up in the night, and been very helpful with Cora. I've been so impressed with him, so proud. 

I hope he loves his day tomorrow. (Today?) Derek and I decorated the chair for him to fill all fancy in the kitchen. We hung up the birthday banner. We set out breakfast in bed with balloons and a new cereal that is just special for him. There are streamers hanging from his doorway to greet him as he wakes up. I think he will love it all. 

He is having a robot birthday party. We have ordered the cupcakes, made the piñata, planned a few games, and put together some party boxes to give friends. He has been really involved, which has been fun. He really loves parties! What kid doesn't, really? But it has been really fun to see him so involved. 

I am a little stressed for tomorrow, as it is our first day of swimming lessons as well. I always feel like schedules make me overscheduled. But I need to remind myself that the schedule is not that tight. We have swimming lessons in the morning. Then we will have lunch at home and rest time. Then I will go pick up the few things we still need and then bam- his party! His presents are wrapped. I think I have most of the Decour. I'm sure it will be fine. They are just eight-year-old children after all.

I told him he could invite eight friends, but of course it has grown to a few more than that. I am not entirely surprised. He is my kid after all. :)

For my ninth birthday, Michael was just a new, new baby, and I'm pretty sure I invited the entire bus of children to attend my party. I don't remember my mom causing a fuss about that at all. She must of been stressed. But she handled it gracefully. Hopefully I will handle tomorrow gracefully as well.

But if I want to have any chance of that, I should probably go to sleep. So I will log off. Over and out. And happy, happy birthday to my beautiful, lovely, amazing, sweet little man. Love you, Jamesie Boy.

Jolie Girl's Surgery

My precious girl had her tonsils and adenoids removed today. It was quite an adventure (ie super traumatic - possibly more for Derek and me than for Jolie). I was literally hyperventilating last night as the reality settled; I was so heartbroken and scared. The day actually went much better than I'd anticipated, though. Jolie is a brave, sweet girl. I am so proud of her.

This morning we woke up ridiculously early (Seriously. Six a.m. should not be considered morning. Ugh, I hate early.) and were at the hospital by about 7:15. Jolie was so excited! The lure of nonstop ice cream and popsicles post-op may have contributed, haha. And really, it was an adventure, and my girl is a good sport with adventures. 

They gave her the sweetest little gown and grippy socks to put on. She thought that was pretty awesome. 

Then we waited our turn. She got bored, so we turned on some 'toons. She watched happily while I tried not to cry.

Then the surgeon and anesthesiologist came in and talked with us. They were both really great. They had excellent bedside manner, answered all of our questions, and really reassured us both. Then they took her back. This was the only time she seemed scared/nervous. I don't think she realized she'd be away from us at all. The look she gave us as she walked away, just for a sec, shattered a piece of my heart, pretty sure. But then I told her we'd be there as soon as she woke up and tossed a chipper "See you later, alligator!" her direction, and she relaxed and went with the anesthesiologist (hand in hand, might I add; I loved him a little right then).

We actually were able to watch the entire surgery from a little room with a monitor. It was ... interesting. Fascinating and disgusting and educational and heart-wrenching all at once. I'm glad we watched. I'm not sure Derek is. He didn't handle it very well. Watching his baby get sliced and diced nearly wrecked him. His whole body was sweating, and he was fighting back tears the whole time. So weird for Derek, which made it all the more tender for me. My gosh, I love him.

The surgery was smooth and surprisingly quick. After he (the doc) got in there, it was pretty evident that she definitely needed it all removed. Her tonsils both had chronic infection in them, we found (when he grabbed ahold of them and puss squeezed out). So gross. And the adenoids were humongous! They were so swollen that they were blocking her nasal passages almost entirely. Knowing how nasty it was in there helped me feel reassured that we did the right thing. She really will feel so much better once she's healed up.

It was so sweet to see her come rolling back to us all sleepy and beautiful. 

The happy moment only lasted a minute, though. The more she woke up, the worse she felt and the sadder she became. She was super dizzy, nauseous,  hurting and sad. :( 

They got some juice in her and gave her some hydrocodone, and that helped a lot. Plus, her dizziness wore off as time went on. I pulled up some Princess Sofia on my phone for her to watch, and Daddy rocked her. Soon she seemed much calmer and even started to doze. 

In no time, she was feeling still dopey but much better. She kept crying (really, sad little tears weeping down her face) that she just wanted to go home. Eventually she was able to do just that, and she perked up substantially. She even got to ride in a wheelchair, which is basically the coolest thing ever. 

We snagged a yummy frozen treat for her on the way home. She was pretty happy about that.

And then we were home. Ah, home.

She did really great today! She seems to understand that even if it hurts, she needs to drink and drink and drink and drink. I told her the Fix-Its in her body do their best work when they're swimming (and the whole Fix-It Villiage comes to work when she's sleeping). She seems to believe me and does her best to obey.

She ate a big bowl of Dole Whip, probably four popsicles, some Ramen noodle soup, and some yummy creamy peas and noodle soup Grandma Julie brought us. She took a pretty good nap, which seemed to help a bunch. And she woke up to her very first flower delivery! 

Drinking lots and eating lots of nummy food and getting lots of TLC seems to have made today pretty great. She even got to go see her bestie for a few minutes! 

She was cheerful and comforted and feeling loved tonight as she nodded off to sleep. And really, I can't help but feel similarly. We are so blessed. We have amazing, skillful doctors and staff, fabulous, caring families and friends, strong, spectacular bodies that can fight and heal so miraculously, and an incredible, loving Heavenly Father who comforts us and watches over us always. My heart still aches from today, but it is so very full. 

Sleep tight, sweet girl. We love you. More than you know.

Labor, At Last

It has been nearly a year and a half since I last wrote in this journal posted on this blog.  And I wish I had a better excuse as to why.  Thing is, one week after my last post, I had a baby.  An amazing, lovely, enchanting baby.  I have her still; that's not the thing.  The thing is: labor was really, really awful!  It was my fastest and hardest labor, and I didn't want to write about that.  Because she, the baby, was lovely.  I didn't want to document how painful and awful the labor was, how terrified I was through all of it, how I had delivered a baby "naturally" without ever having meant to.  I didn't want her to think her birth wasn't magical- because it was, really.  It was just terrifying and painful too. Ugh. So I left it... and waited... and waited.  I think it's time I caught up.  So here 'goes.

Labor.  Oy.  Hm.  Hold on.

Deep breath. Okay.

So.  The last time I wrote, it was December 13th.  No baby that day.  I was bummed but decided to relax and let things go.  And as far as I remember, I did.  And it made the following week much happier. I posted several times on Facebook (FB).

FB post, December 17th: Two more days!! I'm sooo excited but also getting kind of terrified. I'm remembering just how much labor hurts! And what if I have to push for forever like with James and burn out from exhaustion? And what if there's something wrong with her? What if she's sick? What if my hot baths really did damage her? What if...?  I'd forgotten about the scary stuff.

On a related note, Derek was talking to me about this (mostly listening, but also soothing and reassuring). Then the second we said our goodnights, he was snoring! How is it even possible to fall asleep that quickly?! I'm so jealous.

FB post, December 19th: In less than 24 hrs, I'm going to be in the hospital getting ready to push! So excited that it's finally here! Tomorrow is going to rock our worlds.

FB, Later that day: I just found out that I call the hospital at 5am to see if they're too booked. If they're good, I come in by 6! !!!! OHMYGOSHI'MSOEXCITED!!

FB, Late that night: I really should be sleeping right now. It's past 10:30pm, and I need to be up at 5am to call the hospital. But I'm too excited and nervous to sleep! This is unfortunate, because I'm super exhausted as well.

Derek is nervous too, but he's out. That man is a professional sleeper! So jealous. Jolie's in her bed sleeping soundly. And James... Well, James is right here next to me.

Poor kid. He's so restless. He says his tummy is hurting and he can't sleep. I reeeeaaally hope he isn't sick. I'm thinking he is just a nervous wreck like his mommy. It's sweet but more so really sad. I don't want him to be anxious. I was hoping he would sort of forget about it all until school was out tomorrow. I'm thinking those chances are slim.

Wish us luck (and sleepy dreams)! Tomorrow will be a big day for us all!

It's sweet to me how intuitive James can be, how sensitive he is to the moods and anxiety around him.  He was excited, like Christmas morning, and like Christmas morning- he was anxious.  He could tell I was, and I'm sure that affected him.  He did end up sleeping, though, and so did I.  Pretty soon, it was December 20th, and it was go time.

I woke up at 5 am to a text from Dena, actually.  She was up feeding her newborn Mia and thought of me. About a minute later, my alarm went off.  I cleared my throat and called the hospital.  They said that things were pretty slow there and that I should plan to come in around six! I got up, got showered, shaved my legs, made sure we had everything and was just about ready when my mom showed up.  I'm so grateful for my mom for being available and willing to watch my kiddos for a day or two while Derek and I (and the new baby!) were in the hospital. I knew they would be in good hands, so I said goodbye, and we left.

We got to the hospital a little late (story of my life) and were checked in by about 6:40am.  Getting all the paperwork done and talking to the nurses, etc, always takes forever.  I changed into my gown (much less fancy than it sounds), got all hooked up to monitors, and got an IV set up (with fluids as well as with an antibiotic, as I was Group B Strep positive).  I think it was about 8am by the time all that was done.  They checked me, and I was just at 3cm. Nothing to write home about.  But enough that they could start me on Pitocin.  They did, and the contractions started.  I was shocked by how strong they were.  Yet I was frustrated because they weren't doing much.  I wasn't dilating much at all.

At about 9am, my doctor came in and broke my water. I was almost finished with the first bag of antibiotics, and at the rate I was going (I was only at about 4cm at that point), he was pretty confident I'd be in labor for several hours still.  That news was no fun to hear (I'm so impatient), but I was happy that he was willing to break my water. That felt like progress at least.  

 After my water broke, the contractions got really strong!  Really strong and really painful!  I wasn't crying or anything, but yeesh!  I was unable to talk through them and had to close my eyes and take deep breaths while they lasted.  I told the nurse that I'd probably like my epidural in the near future. She paged the anesthesiologist.

The anesthesiologist showed up around 9:30am.  He did a decent job if I remember right (no spine scraping this time, thank heavens) and was done and out of there by about 9:45.  As he was leaving, the nurses stayed back to see if I needed anything.  I told them that I couldn't really feel it working, that the contractions were still really painful.  They said it may take a few minutes to kick in, and that I should make sure to alternate which side I was leaning on to equalize the blood flow and therefore the medicine.  They walked out.  

Literally seconds after they left, I felt an immense wave of pain wash over me and an immense amount of pressure.  I started shaking uncontrollably.  I pressed the button on the arm of my bed to page the nurse.  "Yes?" they asked. "Um... I'm really hurting... really hurting... and... I think... maybe... her head is coming out of me??"  They rushed in, checked between my legs and gasped, "Yes! That's her head alright!  It looks like you're having this baby!"  

They panic-paged Dr. Fowers who was in his office at the time, just across the parking lot. And my room flooded with people running around trying to ready everything for delivery.  I remember feeling really panicked about how I would have the baby if he wasn't there to deliver her.  The nurses were good and reassured me that they could catch a baby if he wasn't there to do so.

It was all I could do to keep that kid inside.  My body was in so much pain and was trembling all over.  I had a death-grip on the side rail of my bed and could not seem to let go of it. As awful as it felt, my body was literally pushing on its own. It hurt worse when I pushed, but I could not stop it from happening.  It was terrifying.  And it hurt.  Poor Derek.  Looking back, I can see how scary it must have been for him, watching me writhe in pain and seeing the chaos all around us and being unable to do anything.  I remember at one point looking at him with desperate eyes and saying, "Help!"  then burying my face in my side rail again. Oy. Though for the record, it was pretty scary for me too.

My bed had not been set up for labor.  They usually drop off the end and remove the bedding and all that.  But there was no time, and by body was seriously frozen in the one-leg-up, one-leg-out position she had crowned in. So I labored on my bed, blood all over the bedding and all.  It was messy.  But I didn't notice that until later (when they put the whole lot of it in the trash, ha).  Dr. Fowers got there just in the nick of time.  He snipped me a bit to ease her out.  And wiggle-wiggle-wiggle, she was out!  

FB post, December 20th:

Cora Elyse Anderson
Born at 10:12am
7lbs 15oz
20" long

And she is lovely.